How to tell people about Autism and ADHD

As soon as I began to suspect I was ADHD, and later Autistic too, I spent a lot of time researching and learning about the conditions and what they meant. It’s complex, it’s misunderstood, and in an ableist culture it can be perceived very negatively. I spent many hours learning and reaching a new understanding. Not everyone has the motivation to put the same time into reaching that understanding. So it’s difficult to tell people I am AuDHD when I know that they are likely to make immediate assumptions based on stereotypes and out-of-date information.

Telling people that I am AuDHD is not easy, and not something I have attempted many times. I have loosely and generally talked about both conditions with people and the responses and comments I have heard have often stopped me disclosing anything at all about myself. However, the futher time goes on the less I can be silent. I searched around for something that would give me a potted approach to how to tell people. A way that was concise and simple. I couldn’t find anything. As an AuDHD person, I do like to have a script in mind for difficult conversations. Conversation planning is a common autistic trait!

So here is my attempt at a short guide to telling people about autism and/or ADHD. It’s intended as a structure with some key points and should be adapted to suit you and your feelings and circumstances. I’m calling this my Neurodivergency Disclosure Model and I have taken inspiration for this model from Susan Scott’s Confrontation Model in her 2002 book about Fierce Conversations (note: affliate link). A great book that I would highly recommend.

1. Prepare the conversation: I want to talk with you about something that I have learnt about myself recently. I want to spend a minute just talking and then I will ask you to respond, so if you could listen to me first without interjecting I would really appreciate it.
2. Name the issue: Add some personal specifics here. For me it would be -> A close friend of mine discovered she was ADHD and I realised that her story really resonated with me. So I researched into neurodiversity and to cut a long story short I was recently diagnosed as both autistic and ADHD.
3. Describe how you feel about/perceive the issue: It’s been quite an emotional experience for me but it has been overwhelmingly positive to understand why I am how I am, and why I have experienced specific difficulties over my life. Now I can understand much more about myself and it feels really liberating.
4. Clarify what this means: I know that there are different perceptions about what autism/ADHD is and what it means, so I want to explain a little what it means for me and what my traits are/ challenges are/ what support needs I have.
   • My senses are heightened, so for example I hear sounds that most people can filter out, I can be overwhelmed by smells that most people don’t notice, and the right lighting is really important so I don’t get headaches, feel alert, and so I can concentrate.
   • I can take things very literally and so can misunderstand sarcasm or nuanced instructions. I respond best when things are clear and straightforward. I can also appear blunt to people because I am more straightforward in my approach than most people.
   • I can be easily triggered emotionally if I feel rejected, excluded, or if I feel I have made a mistake or failed.
   • These are not the only traits I experience, but they are the ones that give me the biggest challenge at home/work/when I am with friends. (I would suggest choosing the top 3-4 traits/challenges to focus on, so as not to overwhelm your listener, and to keep the initial talking part as concise as possible).
5. Identify the role of the listener: It’s important for me to tell you this because (some suggestions)
   • I want to be open with you
   • I want to discuss some reasonable adjustments that I need to be able to be at my best
   • I want to be my authentic self (at work/home/with family)
6. Invite the listener to respond: Thank you for listening to me, do you have any questions or thoughts about what I have said? I understand that you might need time to think about it now and you can ask me questions later.
7. Conversation:
   • The next stage is dependent entirely on what your conversation partner says and obviously it won’t be predictable and could be challenging – particularly if you get frustrating reponses like the classic “but you don’t look autistic”. My usual reponse to that is to say “there are lots of incorrect assumptions for what it means to be autistic/ADHD, mainly because research has focused on young boys and a narrow sample of those young boys. The autism/ADHD community and its experience of the condition is much more diverse that most people are aware of.”
   • STOP! If the conversation gets too tricky (for me there is always a risk of triggering my Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) if the listener is not as receptive as I would have hoped), then you can always say “could we take a break from the conversation, I’m finding it difficult to stay focused but I would like to be able to talk to you about this more later/tomorrow/next week/when I feel ready again.”
8. Next steps and actions: depending on the conversation and who you are talking to, there may be a need to agree next steps. For example, if you are talking to a line manager about reasonble adjustments then clarify with that person about who is doing what and if a futher conversation should be scheduled to talk more about the needed adjustments.

Talking to people about something so personal and so misunderstood can be really challenging, so be kind to yourself!

If you have experiences about holding these types of conversations and want to share your own approach or any adapations to the model I’ve given above, please do leave a comment as I would love to hear from you.