I am a female at birth, late diagnosed autistic ADHD person (AuDHD). I’ve worked in UK higher education for over 25 years and I have a passion for teaching and learning practice (it’s one of my special interests!). I’m currently in a senior leadership role in a large UK university and I’m staying anonymous as I find my way with my new diagnosis and what that means for me.
I have lived for over 40 years without the knowledge of my own autism and ADHD. I always felt different, I always felt like an outsider looking in. I never understood why until about 2 years ago. A friend was diagnosed as ADHD and some of her story really resonated with me. I began to do my own research and discovered that I was very likely ADHD but it didn’t look like the naughty and disruptive boy at school that I’d been led to believe. ADHD in women presents quite differently.
My research then led me to understand the overlap between ADHD and autism. That was the real ‘ah ha’ moment, finally everything fell into place – this was me! I am AuDHD! So much of my life and who I am finally made sense to me.
So fast forward and I’ve had a formal diagnosis of autism with ADHD. For me the formal diagnosis was important – for my whole life I have been labelled by others, or labelled myself, as not good enough, not strong enough, not normal enough, too depressed, too anxious, not resilient enough, too senstitive, and so on… and I wanted the formality of someone qualified to say that I’m not these things, I’m actually AuDHD.
To be clear – self-diagnosis is valid. My own need for a formal diagnosis does not devalue anyone else’s self-diagnosis. For some time while I was waiting for my assessment I was self-diagnosed and confident in that identity. Another reason I wanted the offical AuDHD badge, was that I wanted to have power to ‘come out’ at work. A context where self-diagnosis might not be valued or accepted. It’s my choice in my context and it’s the right approach for me.
So why stay anonymous? As a senior person in an organisation I feel I am in a place of both privilege and a place of risk. I feel a responsibility to be a role model and advocate for others in the organisation who are autistic or ADHD. However, my own ignorance of what autism and ADHD are means that I understand just how much ignorance I will face. I’m likely to face predjudice, ableism and misunderstanding. While I have always been AuDHD, sharing that information will change how people view me. I’m not ready for that yet, I don’t feel strong enough for that yet.
There is a risk to my career, even in inclusive and forward thinking organisations. I’m ambitous and I have goals for my future career. It might be better for me to keep my diagnosis hidden and avoid any misconceptions that might preceede me into new role or selection for a new role.
I think the time will come when I am ready, because the feeling of not being authentic doesn’t sit well with me and goes against my values, but that time it is not now. I’m still learning what AuDHD is in many ways. I am still learning to be compassionate to myself where I find things challenging, and making my own reasonable adjustments. Until I am more understanding of myself, I won’t be able to fully advocate for myself or anyone else. I am also fully aware of just how much energy it will take to be a public advocate and I need to be ready to give that energy.
So for now I’m going to focus on developing this site and begin to share with others anonymously as I develop my own understanding and knowledge. I’m also keen to connect with others and share experiences. Are you autistic? ADHD? AuDHD? Are you a neurodivergent academic? Please leave a comment and get in touch!